Real Life

M is for Miscarriage

Date: December 16, 2013 Author: admin Categories: Real Life, Whats hot 1

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Nothing quite prepares you for the news that you have lost a baby. Its like being hit by a large speeding truck and then surviving to see the aftermath. You dont see it coming and then bam, in one short sharp shock all that you hoped for, dreamed about, wished and cared about is whisked away from you in seconds. I asked myself why did it happen to me, what did I do wrong? am I a failure? could it have been prevented?

Its the word that shall remain unspoken…. ‘Miscarriage’. Even in this day and age it still seems like a ‘dirty’ word, a word that people don’t like to talk about, admit to, discuss openly, ask about.

After this had happened to me I read all the blog posts under the sun about peoples experiences ( thank you so much to all those people that shared a most personal element of their life on a post) because it makes you feel like you are not alone and that you are not suffering alone.

 

I had a miscarriage at 14wks, called a ‘silent’ or ‘missed miscarriage’. Which means that as far as you are aware you are still pregnant, life support is working fine, pregnancy urine tests say you are pregnant, but for some reason baby just didn’t survive. I had a perfectly normal straightforward time up until then, everything checked out ok, I had a scan at 12 wks and baby was jumping around, nuchal fold scan results checked out all ok, BUT At 14wks I had severe cramps across my abdomen and a very small amount of brown spotting. I was worried and rung nhs direct who told me to get down to A&E immediately which I did. They didn’t seem worried when I arrived, the pains stopped and no more bleeding, I was thoroughly checked out and sent home given the ok. The only thing they couldn’t check was baby and so I came back a few days later for an ultrasound. Thats when I got the news I just wasn’t expecting. I guess I had led myself into a false sense of security seeing babe at 12 wks all fine and having been given the all clear to go home a couple of days before.  After several consultants confirmed, the screen was turned round to face me and my partner. I took a long look at the little person that only a few wks before I had seen moving around in my stomach, only now to be curled up in a lifeless tiny ball. So small but so much a part of me, I clung to any hope that they might have got it wrong, it was a mistake, it can be brought back to life. Those futile thoughts are the first of so many emotions that start to hit you.

After being dealt such a blow you are then meant to have a sensible conversation about what procedure you choose to go through and then realize that you have to come to terms with this there and then, to make the right choice to keep you safe and alive, after all its all about survival. How can you even think about anything when you’ve just been dealt that news. If that wasn’t enough, you then have the undignified internal tests to go through. I felt numb by this stage, with just the thought of coping, a test of endurance and then getting home. A chance to cry.

Going home was hard. I had to leave knowing I wasn’t going to carry home my bundle of joy and that I had to come back to the hospital a few days later and have removed what I desperately wanted to keep but couldnt. I was given 3 options, natural, medical and surgical. I chose the medical route, which meant I would go into hospital and let my body naturally remove baby from my body. I had tablets that stopped the pregnancy hormones and then when in hospital I had tablets to make the cervix ripen to in effect give birth. That was the phrase that frightened me the most. Was I going to have to give birth in front of lots of midwives? how horrible, embarrassing, soul destroying I thought, but it wasnt like that at all. I was given my own room and my partner could stay with me. The staff at the hospital were so caring and considerate they helped me all the way through the process. They gave me cardboard trays that fit snuggly into the toilet, no onlooking midwives, just privacy, respect, dignity, care and my partner with me.

When you try for a baby, its not just the present that you think about, you project into the future, how you will cope money-wise, is there enough space where you live, what you will do about work, how you will manage more than one child ( if you have a child or children already). All these elements are the building blocks for your future projections and so when baby gets taken out of this equation you are left with an empty void.

It took us 9 months to fall pregnant and I had horrible morning sickness for 3 months. Within those 3 months I was reliant on my partner to do almost everything around the house, I couldnt even step into the kitchen without feeling sick and I was mostly bed ridden as any sudden movements or bending down would send me gagging. These kind of investments in your future to bring another person into the world, only add to the shear climatic downward spiral you feel after the event.

 

SO, where do you go from here?…

I still have my scans and that is what I will have to remember my baby. I didnt even know if it was a boy or a girl as it was too early to tell. For now I carry on knowing that  I will feel better eventually, but every day I think about it and sometimes the pain is too much to cope with and I break down. I discuss it with my partner and it does help, but when I talk to other people I do find myself saying what they want to hear ” it could have been worse”, “time heals all wounds”, “it just wasnt meant to be”. Thats no real consolation to me but the fact that my friends & family are talking to me about  it ( and it must be hard for them, as they dont really know what to say to me) and they are there for me gives me great comfort.

I read a blog post recently about the decision to tell people earlier than 3 months when you’re pregnant. The debate being that the blogger wanted to share her happy news with her family & friends as soon as it happened but tradition and superstition dictates that you wait until your 12wk scan. The reason being that if anything happens, then you don’t have to tell people about your miscarriage. Well, after what happened to me I whole heartedly believe you should tell who you wish and when you wish, as if I didn’t share my news when I did then I would have suffered in silence. To have gone through this without the love and support of my family and friends would have been so much harder.

The next stage in my life is unknown. This experience has shaken me to my very core and at the same time  made me stronger. It has changed me.

Blog Post by Alice 

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1 Comments: "M is for Miscarriage"

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